Episode Six of 'Steven's Story' an original story
by
Melissa J. Vivigatz
~ * ~
“David”
PART II
Living with a gay Pagan aside, I was starting to feel better about going to church again. David was right, this was who I was. Just an old dog whom you could not teach new tricks, fine, except I imagined even David would like this place and the people who came here. No preaching negative crap, I guess ones like me received that from osmosis or something, things filtered through the majority of the rest of society over the ages.
Yes, sense of comfort here, some fine memories of simpler times as well. Growing up in Connecticut with my aunt, a small town with the various socials and traditions like picnics on the common greens afterwards, just folks being themselves amongst family and friends.
Was polite and did not look around when during middle of service a latecomer arrived and came to the bench behind, the echoing of the doors while people shuffled; sound of throats clearing while the ‘guy on stage’ gave us another round. Moment of pages being turned to the passage of the segment and the organ starting up as we lifted voices together.
Choked because I recognized one of those voices, one which had not been there previously; whipped my head around and realized I had no right to be here because God had made His move and sent clear sign of that by delivering the woman who had caused my plummet into hell.
Sheila.
Look at her. First time in six months (and twenty days) I had seen my ex-wife in person. Turned and stared down at the jumble of words on the pages, unable to make sense of them, my place lost.
Lost. No, I did not belong here, wanted to push my way through the ones trapping me here and bolt before I threw up.
Hold it together, Steven.
Why was she here? Yes, this was ‘our’ church, yet she had not come once since leaving me and... Don’t do it. Do not do it!
Had to. Glanced back over my shoulder and caught her eyes looking directly into mine.
Oh god.
Knew what was going to happen and quick-swallowed one of the prescription things in my coat. A show of weakness, yes, yet better this small one than something worse.
Lie to say I had forgotten how good she looked, the presence she extruded in person, the magnetism. (Nineteen years. Almost half of my life spent with her, this woman whom was my companion. Oh, no indeed, I had never been bored once. Had looked as any man would naturally do, sure, yet never had my head turned away totally. Never had a thought of cheating. Never imagined there would come a point when we would not be together. Perfect match in so many ways, she and I...)
First turn had burned her image in my mind. Russet dress with green trim, match to her thin, designer winter coat except for the fur trim around shoulders and wrists of some black-tipped animal. The russet was darker than her amber hair, the green lighter than our...her eyes.
I thought longingly of the flask I no longer carried. Wanted a drink so badly, no matter the fact I hadn’t touched more than a glass of wine with meals since the Blackwell gathering.
David, I need you. I am not strong enough for...
No, screw that, I ground down the pathetic cry with gritted teeth. Hard as it had been, very close, I admitted it, yet on my own I had not agreed to meet with her as she had asked. Did that before vacation, before everything with David, when he was first taken in and recovering from his accident, unable to work. So no, I did not need his help in this, was my turn to help him. And thinking of that, part of me relaxed. Calmed, felt easier, bunched shoulders straightening.
Nope, seen too many of your tricks, Sheila. Watched your act fall apart in a snap, one instant coyly offering everything from your body to ‘compassion’ only to have the real you revealed. The cold, calculating eyes and deep striking, cutting verbal attacks when your ploy did not work. (Christ, she’s even called on my birthday to tell me they were expecting a baby! Cursed me out because I refused to give her the trust fund I had set aside for ours!) And even if I hadn’t, the ‘home movie’ you left me as you screwed the brains out of that guy in everyplace you could think of in our home... Nope. No way and no how, bitch. I got your number right here, and it is all bad.
Yes, bad news and not anything I needed more of. Before David, before the thoughts of suicide, yes, even with all she had done, my utter, comprehending knowledge that the woman I had loved never existed, I would have taken her back. Had been left that fucked up.
But no longer. The whore had made her bed (and couch; kitchen island; recliners; bath tub; even my own, god-damn-her-spread-legs, desk) and now she could rot in it.
Then in next instant: Wait, something...then I figured it out, the softer, disquiet thought jumbled amongst the louder ones. Her coat was open. She was at least four months pregnant, yet there was no sign of it.
Oh no. Oh, Shell, no. The deleted, unheard messages. Ones left on the voicemail, the answering machine at home, office emails. Ones refused since I had returned home. Tons of them. Knew she had to be going through stress, her embezzling stockbroker broke. Yes, two years younger then myself, not exactly young as far as these things went; not old, yet not young. All the stress, her few calls where she said she wanted to get together and talk instead of the usual demands.
Oh, Shell, did you lose the baby? Did you need my help and I was not there for you?
Oh, God, please, I do not care that it was not mine, would have helper her if she really needed it, just please, do not let my failure be the cause of that as well!
Breath, Steven, just relax. It could have been a lie. She only dropped that bombshell after you had twigged to the fact her current meal ticket had been caught embezzling.
Perfect distraction, then right after she had gone all soft and saying how she had ‘maybe’ made a mistake. Was thinking a lot about ‘us’. Never mentioned it again after that. Oh, sure, she told you the reason she was leaving you for him was because he wanted to have children, yet again, I know this woman now. That could have been, most likely was, a lie.
Of course it was. Nineteen years, she knew me as well. Knew exactly where to place her blows.
Realization, and it was as if something inside let go at that instant. A large weight tumbling off and vanishing.
I don’t freaking believe it. Fell right for it when she left and even after all this time never saw through it. She did not like children, (burdens, annoyances...or maybe more like ones whom would take attention from herself?) had been concerned about her figure for Christ’s sake.
There is nothing wrong with me and there never was, at least as far as that excuse is concerned. The rest of it, well another story perhaps because I had loved her totally and could not make her happy, yet not that.
Actually chuckled a little when we sat down. Not much, a chuff or two, yet something.
Man, did I get played or what? Whew!
Left everything right there, returned to the reason I was here in this place of worship. Felt my lips curl up a touch in wry cynicism when the plate came by and I dropped in my weekly donation of a c-note. (Used to only be a fifty, yet things had changed since the leach was off of my neck. Jesus, could that women burn through money or what? Only realized the true extent of it when the drain had been closed. That third of a paycheck was some chunk of change I tell you.) Her neighbors had better watch close, or else when the plate came before her nose it was going to come back a lot lighter.
Not a charitable thought, yet something which would not surprise me if it actually happened.
Service ended, and a couple of ‘hopeful’ looks from the old, semi-acquaintances who recognized her/us (Yeah, call me cynical, but where was the noticing when things had fallen apart for me, eh? The support? Why look now?) and I was smiling and nodded as she held things up, waited till we could walk out together. Had the feeling she was bothered that I was not the one she had startled hell out of when she first arrived.
Outside in the clear and I went on the attack, “Hey, Sheila, how are you doing? Coming back to the fold?”
“Did you get my messages, Steve?”
What, no ‘hello’? Ha.
Shrug as I put my gloves on, “Nope. Damn new secretary, real bimbo. Deletes everything.”
“Even the ones at home? Where have you been?”
“You mean my home, of course. Yes, those were deleted as well. It has been over a year, Sheila, figured everything needed saying had been. Time to get on with our lives, right? As for where I have been, I went away for vacation. Back to New England. It was real groovy.”
“Are you on something?”
My new expression or because I wasn’t a head-grabbing mess of wimp-putty?
Oh, David, thank you. Jesus, I can’t believe I was going to kill myself over her! My god, what was I thinking?
Too much bad, that’s what. Hole in the heart? Oh yes, a large one left. Had only been able to see the negatives around me not the good. Oh yeah, that psychic girl sure had my number.
“What, that in there?” I asked and she nodded once. “Nah, just saw you and remembered I’d forgotten my vitamins. What happened? Forgot your botox appointment?”
“I do not need that garbage and you know it.”
“Actually, I am not so sure of that.” I tilted my head and looked to eye things closely. “Not with the big Four-O being just around the corner.
“But enough about you, except to wish you good luck at confession. Whoa-ho, my heart bleeds for the poor priest who draws you. And on that note, take care, Shell. Be seeing you.” Wave and I started down the steps.
“Steve, wait!”
“Hmm? What?” I said, smiling easily as I turned.
“Can we just talk for a while?”
“Are you kidding? I’m freezing my ass off out here, and besides, I’m tired of your lies.” Glanced at her stomach meaningfully.
“I decided it was not the right time.”
“You decided? What about Mike?”
“What did he have to say about anything? Anyway, he is in jail,” she ‘huffed’ and shook her head in dismissal of both.
Oh boy, hold it together, Steven. Easy to think, yet my teeth were gritting hard as the anger rose.
“Just as easy as that for you, was it?”
Sensing my mood, face to voice, she changed her attitude fast, “No, it was not easy, Steve. How could something like that ever be easy? Only, I did not know what to do. All alone, I was confused...”
“Ah-huh.”
“I really was. Steven, I tried to call you...” she emphasized.
Oh no, not going to lay that on me. Besides, I had only been gone two weeks...during her four months, if it had not been longer. And she had talked to me before that. A couple of times. If she had really been desperate she would have said something, over the phone or not.
“Sorry, Sheila, I’m not buying.” Ah ha, there it was. Crack in the act, a change in her eyes as something shifted. Thoughts; alteration of attack.
She crossed her arms and shivered, “It is very cold out here.”
“You should have dressed for the weather, not the runway. Better hurry along inside now.”
Bat of eyelids, face slightly lowered in guilt, “Steve, you are the only one I need to say things to. I was so very, very wrong.”
“Ah well, too late now. Bye.” Flipped up my collar and started to continue down the steps.
Sound of her following behind, boot heals clacking on cold stone; “Honey, please wait! I thought here of all places you could forgive me?”
Actually, talking so nonchalant about ending the life of her baby while on the steps of a church, there were others she need to ask forgiveness more of. Again, soon as I had heard that, had seen her, something further inside me had changed, more weight gone.
If she ever really had been pregnant, thing which I was more and more doubtful of.
“Look, Sheila, if it helps, I do forgive you.”
“You...Steven, you do?”
“Course I do. Hell, I’m even grateful. Yeah, I got to admit it, Shell, you were stronger than me; knew what we had was going nowhere and called it quits. Yes, admit again I was in a bad state for a while, but all of that is well past.”
“You did meet someone.”
“Oh, yes, I met someone,” I said, real smile on my face as I thought of David.
“I do not believe you.” Small smile of confidence on her lips as she ‘glanced’ around us. I hadn’t come with anyone after all. Ha!
“Your choice, babe. See you next week.”
“Wait. Steve, I... I still have a few thing at home.”
“You mean those clothes you left at my place?”
“Yes.”
“Ah, sorry, you said you didn’t want them.” (Please come back for them, Shell! Don’t send more movers, but come back—come home—yourself. Come back to me. Just see, just remember what we had and all I can give you. Please, Shell, I can’t live without you! Please, just come back!) “Gave a bunch away recently. Might have a box left, it has been rather hectic.”
“Well may I have them now?”
“Sure, follow me in your car.”
“I do not have a car.”
“Ouch. What happened this time, another blown engine or run a red light again?”
“It belonged to Mike.”
Repossessed or sold.
“Ah, what the hell? Get in.” Clicked the keychain and the beamer (now perfectly ‘healed’) beeped happily back, doors unlocking.
All but humming as I got into my side, reaching for my pipe even as she got in and gave a frown.
“I thought you gave that disgusting habit up.”
“Like I said,” I mouthed around the stem, the bowl already packed and waiting as I fired the lighter, “lots of things about us just didn’t click, Sheila. People ask me why I was ever crazy enough to stop. Catch a cab if you don’t like the smell. I’ll leave the box in the lobby.” She didn’t say a thing. I wasn’t a total ass though, because I did crack the window same as I always did to let the smoke out.
The CD had started playing when the engine came to life, and I was nodding along to Brubeck as we made our way out of the lot with the rest of the flock.
“No classical?”
“This is classical, babe. Feel free to flip thought the discs if you want though. Radio has a short, something got jimmied when it was in the repair shop. Taking it back next week, though I am not complaining. Those guys pulled off a miracle, didn’t they, Beamer old buddy?” I said and patted the dash, imagining the purring engine noise growing louder for a moment in reply back of our mutual satisfaction. Man, I loved my car. “Tell you, I damn near cried when we saw it in the daylight. Tow guy was lying through his teeth when he gave the odds of it not being totaled, figured it was a done deal.”
“You were in an accident?”
“Oh, yeah. Lucky we made it home. Turns out the cops missed some stuff because of the slush on the undercarriage. Everything is new on this side from driver’s door on back. Guys were telling me to scrap it and get a new one. Told ‘em no way in hell. Car saves your life like that you do not abandon it. As is I think it sprouted wings there a second because the rear tire was spinning in the air.
“Man, oh, man,” I shook my head, grinning around my stem, “would have been one hell of a way to end a vacation, still, if it had to be, that would have been the one to go out on.” Hardly surprised, she did not say anything, most likely thinking about my will.
I chuckled inside, thinking of it myself with dark humor. My will had been seen to weeks before vacation, and it really would have been something when she got the word on its changes. Talk about having the last laugh!
Oh, Sheila, if you only knew.
She was looking perplexed at the discs and pulled one out, “What is this?”
“Hindi music of course. Great for long drives at night, real atmospheric. Here, this one has some piano,” said as fingers picked it out for her to change if she wanted. “Compilation of Chinese flutes and guitar. Bit laid back, but relaxing.”
“These belong to your girlfriend?” she asked, like I had fixed a stage in case she would show up. Christ, she thought a lot of herself, didn’t she?
“One of our favorite pastimes to shop together. Turned me on to a lot of stuff I never even knew existed. Shastro is another favorite, though we’ve been getting more and more into Celtic of late. Gave me a mix that had some Clannad on it for my birthday. Best disc ever. Listen to it all the time while I’m at work. Never thought there would be a present to top it, yet there was.” Tilted the stem of my Ferndown pipe up for emphasis. The favorite one of my collection and no matter what, would remain so till the day I died.
“You are going to get cancer.”
“Say that to my doctor—only if you want a lecture to the contrary. That was nice to come home to as well, couple tins of Stockton tobacco he’d sent for Christmas waiting for me. Since then he’s been calling once a week to compare notes on different blends and latest discoveries. He stopped for a while himself and is having a blast on his granddaughter’s computer shopping around. Probably have him and his wife over one of these nights for dinner, was just sort of waiting till Quince and Linda got back. They were at my place in Connecticut for the week, though if Parker forgot to bring us back some of that hot cocoa mix he can just forget it.”
“Are you still using the same caterer?”
“Caterer? Are you kidding? No way, we actually use the kitchen these days. Ah, that reminds me, was supposed to pick up a couple of things for later. You in a hurry? Got a brief pit stop to make.”
“Go right ahead.”
“Groovy.” Skipped the intersection which would have started the one-way maze and took the next. Be quicker to walk to the gourmet shop from my building, only it was cold as hell out there today.
Why the hell am I so calm? I kept asking myself over and over, because believe you me, this was not the way I had imagined something like this would go, ever. Think the main reason was that dawning knowledge she had lied about being pregnant, (one of the biggest blows I had ever received in my life, even topping finding her in our bed with another man) and if not, the anger that such had been ended.
I think the wool is off of my eyes forever in regards to you, Sheila. Damn me if it isn’t.
Also, had to admit it, I was feeling pretty darn smug about a lot of things. Was actually laughing inside because she was not convinced in any way that I had found someone to replace her in my life. In fact, it was on such a level that I doubted she could even imagine it now.
Of course not. I am dancing around the subject. No name or description. Then again, that could be working in my favor. Would probably be a detriment if I went on a rave or something, as if I had some lie to prove, if only to convince myself.
“Should take me five, ten minutes top.” Sure as hell was not about to leave the keys in the ignition.
“Mind if I come with you?”
“Free country. Go shopping where you want.” Though I know you are dying to go through the glove compartment. Christ, who did she think I was, the guy she’d tossed me over for? Damn, almost wished I had known she was going to show up. Casey would have a blast if I had asked to borrow a pair of her panties. If she ever wore any. Yowza.
Gentleman held the door for a lady, with her or not; yet did not have to wait for her to get her bearings and pick direction before heading off to grab a basket and things I wanted to shop for.
Was getting to know the place like the back of my hand and headed for the tea isle first. Snagged two boxes of David’s favorite, one for home and another for Betty who had borrowed a bag and found she’d liked it a lot. The gang was coming over later, and after the last movie night, a western on a fantasy world, all had decided they wanted to try chicory, a coffee substitute (shudder) so asked a clerk and got a pound of fresh roasted ‘roots’.
Veggie chips (two bags because of Kimberly) then went to the fresh herb section and pulled out my list. David and Co would be picking most of the stuff up at a larger grocery when they were done having fun at the mall or wherever it was they were spending the day.
“Just a few more things,” I said to my clinging shadow. “The dessert counter, then a couple of breads for the stuffing and croutons. Casey says she has a recipe that’ll blow your head off if you don’t use a cream dressing to balance the chilly powder. And a jar of honey which I am not going to forget this time. Ha!”
“Is that the name of your girlfriend?” she asked as we came up to the counter.
“Casey? No, just a friend. Cooking class tonight. Duck-something-or-other. I have already made the cranberry sauce. From scratch,” I finished proudly. “Hey, Susan, how you doing today? My order ready?”
“Of course, Steven,” the young brunet behind the counter said with a smile. “A whole almond torte.” Had the box all ready to go and handed it over. “So when are you going to learn to make desserts?”
“Are you kidding? No way is anyone going to beat the stuff here so I’m not even going to try. So tell me, anything happening with that new delivery guy you were taking about last week?”
“Second date is this Friday. That club you suggested was fantastic. We both had a blast.”
“Groovy.”
“I’ll say. You were right about that waitress, too.”
“Oh, man, I just have to ask,” grin spreading in expectation. “What was she wearing?”
“A full tuxedo with rhinestone vest and tap shoes. And a top hat.”
“No way,” I laughed, more, because I could picture her doing something exactly like that.
“Really. She was even on stage for a while. I’ve never seen anyone tap dance to Chopin before. Especially with, well...” Slight blush.
“Oh god, don’t describe it. My heart couldn’t take it.” Casey tap dancing. It was a wonder she survived the g-force.
“Lets say I am glad she leaves couples alone.”
“Always. She’s a real lady when it comes to that.” Merciless as hell when not.
“That’s good to know, though I think they should keep her on stage all the time even if she wasn’t. She was super.”
“Thanks, I’ll let her know that. As for the stage though, says she prefers the tips working tables as well as not having to cough up everything for union dues.”
“Or else it has something to do with health insurance for the club patrons. Oh, I can’t believe I just said that!” Full blush now.
I laughed again, “Don’t sweat it. Between you and me that probably is the reason. Another time I’ll tell you about when she...uh, actually, I won’t!” She giggled when I winked at her. “Well, leave them laughing as I always say, so on that note I’m out of here. Unless there is anything else?”
“As if you had to ask,” she winked back at me and I rubbed mental hands in savory anticipation as she picked up a tray of samples to hold over. Could not tell what they were because the small brown pastries or cakes were covered in white icing.
One for me and she held the tray out for the ‘other’ customer as I popped it in my mouth. Cinnamon buns to die for.
“Oh my god, girl, you are going to give me diabetes, you know that?.”
“Only if you order the fully iced ones—which you will.”
“Yeah, yeah, let go my tail. How big are the real ones going to be?” She made a circle using two hands held apart. “Oof.”
“No kidding. You should taste them when they are heated and the icing is melted. Talk about soft and gooie...”
“Enough, you got me already. Okay, hold a dozen and I’ll be in Tuesday night. Not all for me I’ll have you know. One of the secretaries is having a birthday Wednesday. Considering the type of stamped cardboard cake the firm usually gets these are going to go over great. These take care of two each, right?”
“Three, easy.”
“Ha, not these girls—and before you even try, no on the next two trays. That is it, I am done.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely positive.”
“Oh well, no problem. Means more of these little Kahlua cheesecakes will be coming home with me.”
“Christ, you do get commissions, don’t you?”
“Told you no, and they really did make extras. How about a few to go on the house?” Already putting them in a small box. “The usual four...or five?”
“Four is fine, thank you, Susan.”
“You are welcome, but like I said, that jazz club was super.”
“Glad you liked it. Maybe I’ll see you there sometime—if you arrive early enough.”
“Oh, we will. Again, thanks for the advice. Table tag!”
Grinning, “Yup. See you Tuesday. And thanks from my dentist.”
More laughter and a final wave, “See you, have a great day.”
“Looks like you have made a friend.”
“Hmm? Oh, yeah, Susan is swell. Did not figure that in my timing, though fifteen minutes talking is the most I can risk at any time. First time I came here she sold me on these tiramisus and I thought nothing could top them. Man, was I wrong. Going to catch it for bringing those rolls in. As is, soon as I get the word they will have the chocolate mousse again I have to bring some for Linda and Quince. Go figure, have them over for dinner and get turned into an errand boy.
“Okay, lets see.” Double checked my list, “Got it, got it and done. Honey is down here at the isle next to the register...ah ha, they did get the candles in. Only question is hand dipped or rolled?” The rolled honeycomb ones looked cool so I went with those, and after asking the kid at the counter if the four packs (one color of each, the bundle wrapped in twine only) were natural dye, and assured they were, picked up a few of those as well.
The young man, (Tom was his name,) nodded as he was ringing up my purchases, “Got them in just in time. The woman who makes them told us she was really backed up. They’ll be all gone before the holiday.”
A thing which happened around February first. Learning slowly, but I was learning.
“They aren’t for me. Just need to know if the colors are right?”
“One for each Quarter,” the pentacle wearing Pagan behind the counter assured me.
“Groovy.”
“Any CDs before I total up, Mr. Hanscom?”
“Not this time, Tom, thanks,” I said as the plastic was handed over. “Still going through that Trans Planet one. Thanks again for the recommend. You were right, it is a great way to sample new artists.” Couple more comments exchanged, asked Sheila if she was going to buy anything. Received a look, yet her answer was no so we were back out onto the street.
Goods trunked and slid behind the wheel, “Place is great, isn’t it? Still can’t believe I was just driving past it all these years.”
“You seemed to know your way around well.”
“Mm-hmm, stop in every couple of days. Their fresh herbs beat out the supermarket’s hands down. Reason I went there in the first place, was out of stuff to make salad dressing.”
“When did you start drinking tea?”
“I haven’t.” So stick that in your pipe to smoke, baby.
Alright, I still had anger, happy? I wasn’t, yet at least could admit it to myself. Awareness had to count for something.
My, oh my, she did open the glove compartment! “Looking for something?”
“A tissue. The car smells...terrible...?”
“Oops,” I said with a chuckle as she paused because hey, hey, there was something to discover.
“You have condoms?”
An open, half-box at that. Yippee! “Well, you know what they say, baby, ‘No glove, no love’.”
“Yes, yet, well, why?”
“Because I was married to you and I have a conscious. Speaking of, you might want to start the practice yourself. How long is Mike going to be in jail?”
“That is disgusting!”
“Just saying.” I gave an nonchalant little shrug while flipping the turn signal...not being able to contain a small smirk around the replaced pipe stem. Reason, of course, being my own.
“Well it does not matter anyway. It is over between us.”
“Awe, that’s a shame. From the look of things you two hit it off pretty well. Better luck next time.”
Smirk from her, “So you do watch.”
“Nope. And I’m sorry to say if you wanted it back for a memento you’ll have to wait. Someone is borrowing it.”
“What?!” she all but shrieked. “You gave that to...to...!”
“To a couple of friends, yup.” To David and Kimberly. Not to watch. No, there was something spooky about doing a ‘spell of release’.
“Since I can’t get her out of your head one way, can we try this?” David had asked as it was about to get tossed in the garbage. Something to do with anger and emotional connections, how the thing was ‘charged’ and would make the perfect ‘focusing point’ to wipe it away, along with some other mojo speak.
Not a witch, my ass, kid.
Only, holy crap, had it worked?
Felt a little shiver go up my spine, yet it ended with a smile. Swear god, nothing at this point would surprise me, even if it was only a head trip.
Cheaper than a damn head shrink, that’s for sure.
Another little, inner chuckle as I wondered what she would have made of the cloth bag of protective crystals and spices in the glove if she hadn’t been so blindsided by the first discovery.
Arrived at the building and the gate went up; my parking space pulled into and engine off, the woman in the passenger’s seat still silent, “Well, ride is over. Let me grab my stuff and you can get yours. Need to catch a cab from here though, I have to get the place ready for later.”
Ride up the elevator ride was made interesting with the tight-lipped, “How dare you.”
“What? Said in your email if I ever wanted more presents just to ask. Truth is, once you get past the initial shock value it was pretty boring.”
“Bullshit.”
“Whatever, only if that is your current career, you need a lot of coaching.”
“You never had a problem.” She flounced her hair in annoyance.
“Like I said, missed out on a lot of stuff that was right there before me.” Oh man, had I ever!
“What are you grinning at?” she demanded as we got out on my floor.
“None of your business.”
“Am I going to meet her?” she indicated the door as I worked the lock.
“Nope. Your stuff is in the closet along with some other junk.” No need to explain which closet that was. Her former walk in, a room in itself.
Did a little double-take and paused on way of following me into the kitchen, “The place has really changed.”
“Mm-hmm.” Not just the plants and few statues, lots of small, yet fine changes, right down to the low bowl of stones and cut flowers on the living room coffee table. Japanese thing. Kimberly had given David a book of flower arranging. One of his first tries and it was perfect.
Comforting smell of incense still lingering in the air. Man, it was so good to come home these days.
Smile as I put the groceries on the kitchen isle, a note waiting for me which I picked right up.
‘Steven, I already put some of the lasagna in a pan in the fridge for you, so lunch is ready. Heat it up!’
“Yeah, yeah,” I snorted. “Don’t get bitchy.”
‘Talking about hot, I keep thinking about this morning and how I woke you up.’ Oof, had he ever!
Grinned back at the little smiley-face. ‘By the way, does that make me a coffee drinker, yet? With extra cream? Yum!’
“Jesus, kid, you are killing me.”
‘Anyway, we’ll see you later.
P.S. Did you remember the honey this time?’
Signed with a grin and winking smiley face. What a scamp.
The right herbs placed in the fridge and I pulled out the pan. Added a touch of water to help it steam because it was better heated and put it on the burner. Stuck the other herbs in a waiting vase of water and turned around to catch Sheila going over my note.
“Ahem.”
“This is not your hand writing.”
“No shit, Sherlock. You don’t win any prizes.”
“Steve, what is going on here?”
“My life without you. Like I said, Shell, I’m grateful.”
“That can’t be true.”
Her cultivated speech was slipping, a real nerve touched. Groovy.
“Sorry to disappoint, babe, but it is—oops.” Too much sizzling from the stove so I dashed over and turned it down. Opened the lid, “Whew, close one.”
“That smells good.”
“Bet your ass. That is breaded eggplant under the top layer, sort of a twice cooked thing. My only problem is going to be not finishing the pan and be unable to move for the ducks. Weightlifting exorcise in itself just bringing it out of the oven last night. Swear to god it was twenty pounds or something. Want to try? Believe me there is plenty.”
“I would, thank you.”
“Hey, no problem, like I said there is a ton and it will keep me from getting in trouble.” Back to the fridge to pull out the pan; noticed the tinfoiled package in back I had forgotten and grabbed that as well to cut off some of the garlic bread.
Smiled, because there was already some in the toaster oven in wait for me. “What a kid.”
“Young?”
“Mm-hmm,” I nodded as I made room for the addition. “You’d think the age gap would be a problem, but it’s not. First thing had us connect was the ability to talk to the other. Couldn’t understand it myself, I mean, Christ, half my age, right? Still, right from the start there was something there...” Only I was too screwed up to see it.
My body sure had though; further difficulty in the mix.
Turned and leaned against the counter, my arms folded and looked at this woman I had spent most of my life with while we waited for things to finish heating.
“Sheila, may I ask you something?”
“Such as?”
“What makes you happy?”
“What do you mean?”
“Exactly what I asked. What makes you happy?”
She chuckled and shook her head like I was being an idiot, “You know that, Steve. I enjoy shopping and being with people.”
“Yes, but why?”
“I do not understand?”
“Why do you like to spend all of your time shopping? I mean, what does it do for you? What do you get out of it?”
“Besides clothing?” I nodded. “Because you have to have these things around people, of course.”
“That’s it? Wear fancy stuff around other people just so you will get noticed?”
“Noticed by the right people,” she corrected.
“What exactly are the right people?”
“Excuse me?” she laughed.
“What do you mean by the right people?”
“Why people like ourselves, obviously.”
“People like ourselves. Uh-huh.” I flipped off the stove next to me, things done. “So that’s it then. The things which make you happy is buying stuff to you can impress other people like yourself.” I shook my head as I fetched some plates, a sadness within. “Christ, Shell, I feel sorry for you.”
“Steve...you do?”
“Yes, because you don’t have a fucking clue about what life is about. Not a one.”
“Oh really? So tell me, Steve, what do you think life is about?”
“I am still working on it, only I do know what makes me happy. That is a big start.”
“You mean screwing some secretary half your age makes you happy? That is some original wisdom gained indeed.”
“Not a secretary.”
“A floozy waitress, even better.”
“Hardly. Tell you truth though, person like that, would not matter to me what they did for a living. Sure as hell beats you out. Hell, even a hooker would, because at least they do it to survive. Not you though, Sheila. No, you just screw guys for trinkets. Lady, that is some pathetic.”
“How can you say such things, Steve? I am your wife.”
“Not anymore you’re not.”
Plates filled. “Okay, we’re all set here. You want any salad there is stuff in the fridge. We only made enough for last night.” Shake of her head (more for the hair bounce I suspected,) because she also said this was fine. Of course it was. Why risk breaking a manicured nail, right?
Dinning room table had the half Merlot bottle and a single wine glass in readiness—as well as the Panster. Oops.
“What is that?” she stopped in shock.
“Belongs to David. Kid has a real eye when it comes to antiques. Lucky find, too. Thing belongs in a museum. Quirky for my tastes, yet the craftsmanship is undeniable.
“And to save time, he’s a friend from work who is renting out the spare bedroom.”
“Why?”
“Because he is a friend and needed a place, that’s why. So between him and everything else, the answer is no if you wanted to rent the spare rooms.”
“That was never my intension, Steve.”
“Mm-hmm. Eat up before it gets cold.”
“That things is dreadful looking,” she grimaced again before looking away. “I can not understand how you can eat with a devil staring at you.”
“What devil? Geesh, Sheila, don’t you know anything about mythology? That’s just Pan. Pretty cool dude if you ask me. Someone who knows how to enjoy life to the fullest, as well as tries to see others do the same. Still, tinfoil is in the kitchen if you want to pack up and go,” I shrugged a shoulder before I dug in. Oh, mama, this was great!
Contained, yet I knew she was having similar thoughts.
“Something your girlfriend made?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Sorry, Steven, just because someone comes over with something in a pan for the oven, such does not mean they actually made it.”
“I shall leave such insights to what others may or may not do to you, Sheila. Especially since I was the one to boil the pasta and slice the eggplant for this.” As well as crack the eggs for the batter, not a shard included, thank you very much. “Kind of interesting to hear how your mind works when it comes to the subject.
“So,” I took a swallow of wine, “What went wrong with Mike?”
“The bastard lied to me.” Real force behind the stabbing of the fork. For a moment I thought she had cracked the plate.
“No, really?” I snorted. “Wow, the mind reels. Ha.”
She put things down and glared, “It is not humorous, Steven. Of course I had been to his apartment plenty of times—” (Whore.) “—however, I was led to believe certain things which were simply not true. Everything was there only for so much show.”
“Need to give things another chance, Shelia. The more I learn the more I can truthfully say that you two seem perfect for the other.”
“No, Steve, you and I are perfect for the other. I do enjoy the music you have playing now, by the way. I find it quite exotic.”
“Uh, yeah.” Do not look at her. Not when she uses that tone of voice. That deep, throaty note coming from that long, perfect, model’s throat...
Quick sip of wine, which I knew instantly for a mistake and put it down again fast.
“Is something the matter, honey? You look tense all of a sudden.”
“I’m fine.”
“Are you, Steve? Are you really?”
“Yeah.”
“I am not so certain of that. Steve, can we talk for a bit?”
“We are.”
“No, I mean... Is there a reason you are not looking at me? It is not one of your headaches, is it?”
“No.”
“Because I can understand if it is. Honey, this is not easy for me either.”
“Stop calling me that, Shell.” Shit! I’d called her Shell and an attempt to look over casual caught the smile on her face. Not triumphant, but a soft one. A small, warm one.
Quick push back from the table when she rose and started coming over.
“I thought you might like a massage...?”
“Well I don’t. Not from you, Sheila. Not ever again.”
“Are you certain?”
“Positive,” I said as I rose as well, ending that shit.
“Not from me. Steve, all those years shared between us, you can not tell me there is anyone who knows you better than I do. I refuse to believe that.”
“Well there is, so you better.” Same as this had better end now.
I am not tempted, I told myself firmly. No, it did not matter that she was the only woman I had known like that—the woman—known like that for so long. Didn’t matter that she was a woman and I hadn’t done anything with such since...since herself.
David keep saying, Christ, he damn near insists at times... No! Not her or anyone else! Especially not Her.
Ruin everything. Destroy everything.
Quick breath. No, I am not tempted, only, damn, that is it isn’t it? Never going to have anything like that ever again. And you know what? For the first time—actually, truly facing that thought for the reality it was for first time—I was fine with it. Some small regret, sure, but nothing I couldn’t live easily enough with.
Damn though, hope cooking class doesn’t run late tonight. Man, talk about the ‘pain’ of having to wait!
Mm, David, going to have a real ‘present’ for you tonight. Yum!
But on opening my mouth to tell her she was barking up the wrong tree, to wish her a good afternoon and see you later, she spoke before I could, closed the distance and placed her hand on my chest to coo up at me, “Baby, don’t be like this. Steve, what do I have to do? Just tell me what I have to do to prove to you that I am serious, that we belong together? Just tell me, honey, I will do anything.”
“Anything?” I cocked and eyebrow mockingly.
Quick furrow of her brow, “Except that.”
“Damn straight, babe. After all, once you’ve had the best, there’s no need to waste time on the rest.”
“Stop it.”
“No, Sheila, you stop it,” I said as I removed her hand. “Stop your games and your tricks because it is not going to play here. Dammit, Sheila, what do you want from me?”
“What’s mine. And, Steve, you are mine.”
“Not from the moment you walked out the door I wasn’t. You made your choice, Sheila. Time you faced up to reality. Same as it is time for you to grab your damn box and get the hell out of here. For good.”
“You say one thing, but your looks say something else.”
“Lady, you are so full of sh—” and she kissed me.
Oh god. Sheila. Shell. Those lips and the taste of Her, the familiarity and...
Blanked for a moment. Body thing, memory, habit, I don’t know what, but it was a moment before I came to the realization that I was kissing her back. Fully. Yes, it was good, it had been so long since I’d truly kissed and been kissed by someone—and the feel of it! My arms come up around her back, fingers sinking deeply into her hair, those slight-curling locks naturally wrapping about my fingers like tiny snakes of silk, sensation longed to feel again so very desperately. Yes, it was good, but...
But it’s gone. The feeling isn’t here. The rest of it, sure, but not the thing which really mattered.
Something changed right then and there. Some final drop and lifting.
Something final, closed forever.
Good bye, Shell. I truly did love you once, I spoke in my mind softly before ending it. Before stepping back and away from her.
Forever.
She caught it in my eyes, same shade as her own. Caught the truth, and whatever it was within her own now, for the life of me, I just could not tell.
“No.”
“Yes, Sheila. I am sorry. It was your call to end it. I never wanted it to, but it is over.”
“I am not giving up, Steve. Not on us.”
“God damn you, Shell, there is no more ‘us’. It took me a year to realize that, now it is your turn to do the same. I am sorry.” I was. Not for myself, not anymore, but for her.
“Never. And you can not say you no longer feel anything, Steve. I can see that you do.” Meaningful glance at the front of my pants.
Didn’t matter. That was just bodies, kissing and physicality. And truthfully, it wasn’t very much of a reaction at that. A stir based on the memories of things more then anything current. No, I needed more now.
No, I had a lot more now.
“Don’t fool yourself. Sorry, Sheila old gal, but I’ve traded up and that’s a fact.” Short laugh I couldn’t help, “Man, have I ever!”
Crinkle at edge of her eyes. I’d only been joking about that botox earlier, but her age was showing, same as that mask over her real eyes was cracking at her failure.
“You will never find anyone else better than me.”
“Like I said, I already have. Someone who’s blond, blue-eyed and comes with an ass that won’t quit!” I said with a grin, laughing inside at the craziness of the world. More seeping out of her real self making it even easier. Seeing the thoughts flashing fast behind those now clear, calculating eyes as she worked to manage a come-back; a way to twist things—twist me—to get what she wanted, so I had to add, “Never be a problem with our age difference either. What’s a twenty year gap, right? So sorry, babe,” I said, shaking my head as her face went red, “but the plain fact is you’re no longer my type!”
“You bastard!”
“That I am, same as you’re a whore.” And the hell she’d put me through! Fuck, I could even almost feel bad for that other son of a bitch’s life she’d ruined as well.
Almost, but not, because I wasn’t a god damn saint.
Anger to be released though. A year’s worth of it simmering beneath, and petty bastard that I was I let more of it out to gain whatever nasty pay-back I could for it all.
“Yeah, you messed up this play alright, Shell. Come at it differently and you might have made yourself something today.”
“I have no problem with that.”
My eyes widened. Jesus Christ, she was serious!
I wasn’t though, yet I had to ask, “That bad?”
“I do not know what to do, Steve. I am desperate.” She came over again, but there was no change in me at all from the touch this time, even as she raised her eyes to mine, “Please, honey, won’t you help me? I will do anything, even ‘that’ if you want me to...?”
Attempt at the kiss like before, but all her lips met were nothing; mine closed and cold, as unresponsive as the rest of me.
No, not my type at all. Never again.
“I’ll show you!”
Disgust when she actually started to kneel, but enough was fucking enough!
Grabbed her wrists before hands could start at my pants and heaved her up, “Get out of here before I throw you out.” Dead serious and she knew I meant it, loathing in my eyes which I didn’t try to conceal.
“What about my things?” She rubbed her wrists as she stepped back, released. Another shock for her, the force I had used...against her.
“Get them and get out.”
Just a nod and she left to do so. Good. I started cleaning off the table, the bitch coming back to catch me in the kitchen making a pot of coffee, box in hands and something else on top of it, something which had me laugh despite my simmering anger. The ‘present’ from the other whore; thing tossed into the closet until I had to deal with it.
Composure, the ‘act’ regained when she spoke, “It is addressed to you.”
“Take it, it’s nothing I want,” I said over my shoulder as I returned to what I was doing.
“The card says it is from someone named Sally. It looks rather cute.”
“Looks can be deceiving.”
“You do not even want to know what it is?”
“Hell no. The bimbo it’s from is a worse gold digger than you. Has some crazy idea it’s going to make me want to marry her.”
“Do you mind?” Stalling for time but so what? The clock had run out.
“Be my guest.” After all, the kitchen had to be cleaned anyways.
Didn’t even bother to look as paper crinkled, but at the gasp I just had to.
“Yeah, about what I figured,” I snorted, shaking my head in grim amusement. Some sort of sex toy, and about the only ‘thoughtful’ thing about it was fact the box was still plasticed and unused.
Other things also fell out of the wrapping though and these brought on a stronger reaction.
“Oh for the love of god.” Pictures too! And I was all but bursting a gut as I retrieved the ones on the floor.
“Those were taken at the firm.”
Not in my office though. No, the ones of ‘Miss Sally Anne Simon’ in nothing but spread-legged birthday suit and ‘at manual play’ had been taken elsewhere...and by someone else.
“Holy shit.” Baxter’s office? One in particular caught my eye and...yes!
Got you, you son of a bitch! Oh it was perfect! Baxter had a wall of books as most of us did. Only his office was an upper floor one, fancy, and the books were behind glassed doors and guess who’d caught himself clear-mirrored in their reflection while snapping photos?
“Jesus, maybe I will kiss her for this.”
“You’re a pig!”
